Frustrated

I am so frustrated right now. It looks like the one medication is making Isaiah irritable and moody. He was crying for no reason, and overall moody. I took him off of it, and put him back on the "old" one (hydroxyzine). He hasn't been sleeping well, and he seems like he's in pain. He cries out in his sleep, and lounges most of the day. I hate seeing him like this. Isaiah is usually full of energy - jumping around, talking incessantly, running when he isn't jumping, screaming for Thomas the Tank engine, tormenting the poor fish. =0)

Beyond that, I have been reading the e-mails sent from mastokids.org. While they talk about things Isaiah is going through (and even things we saw in the biopsy report), I just don't want to hear it! I don't want to hear, much less accept, that Isaiah's just going to be this way - that he's going to have this for the rest of his life. I don't want him to have to take 10 meds a day to stop the next episode from being as bad as the last - to make sure the Epi works the next time. I don't want to accept that "spots happen". I don't want to see Isaiah itch and scratch. I don't want to see him cry and not know what's hurting him. I don't want his speech to be affected.

If this were a physical battle, I would so be punching and kicking satan's head right now. I would be doing everything in my power to beat the snot out of satan for putting my little boy through this. Even in saying that, I know that I alone lack the strength and power to do that - at least I wouldn't be able to do that on my own.

Last night, we were watching the healing revival in Lakeland, FL (it's on God TV if you want to watch it, and MSNBC will be talking about it tomorrow on their website). It's weird, and somewhat stupid, but I sit and watch in anticipation - just thinking that the minister will mention something about Gabe or Isaiah. Well, last night the minister said that he had a vision of a little boy with leukemia. I immediately thought of my sleeping baby - the biopsy mentioned something about increased lymphocytes. Please know that Isaiah was not diagnosed with some kind of leukemia, but it still stood out to me. Not even 3 minutes later, Mrs. Baisden (Pastor Clark's mom) called from the service and asked if we received the word of healing. In tears and in shock (and in faith) I said yes. Mrs. Baisden could have meant my dad or my son, but either way - yes, Lord, let it be so. It was so weird, yet so encouraging. I am hoping that we can go to the church sometime this week. Not that God can't move where we are, but why not go?

Well, it's late and I'm tired, and I find myself writing another novel. Thanks for letting me vent. =0)

Love and God's blessings on you and your families,

Kelly